Surrender

As I revisited this blog after many months of inactivity, I found a short reflective draft on what it means to surrender, and what thoughts and feelings the idea awoke in me at the time (almost a year ago to the day). I feel a deep hunger for silence and meditation right now. Here is what I wrote:



The idea of Surrender takes many shapes in our minds: to some it means to give up, to others it means to give in to the hands of a crafty Creator, to many it means to give up our ideas of self, of right and wrong, and to open up to a clear experience of reality. What does Surrender mean to you?

To me, it means to let go. And as I think of letting go, and as I experience it in my daily life, it entails a constant effort to allow things as they are as I seize my personal stance and power. To let go of my want to be in control resembles a newborn being set free in the unpredictable waters of life, ever-trusting of our innate ability to float; and this feeling raises questions that seem to be pivotal for survival: what do I need to know before I take the jump? Am I ready, as a sentient being with evident weaknesses, to let go of my human notions of self and the world? What does letting go encompass? Is it a complete surrender of mentally-driven will, opening up to the present moment in a way that goes beyond my intellectual schemes? _________________________________

It is a vital question to ask ourselves what we believe in. It's not a test to label ourselves as religious or non-religious, atheist or believers, but rather a moment in which we give ourselves the space to experience our beliefs. Whatever you believe, it is ok - but you must be, not clear on, but aware of where you stand in terms of your origin and your essence.

The Trench of Endurance and Acceptace

I've been going to the gym for about three weeks now, and I'm compelled to contemplate my limitations with great self-compassion, and my breakthroughs with great self-reverence. I continue to push my physical and psychological limits like a motherfucker; I went from believing to be inadequate to becoming a waitress who serves hundreds of different people a month, face to face, sometimes heart to heart. I went from the fearfulness of monetary scarcity to the fruits of working my ass off to attain fair money - and more than often less than I work for. Taking care of my self - from a chiropractic alignment to a gym and a trainer, to the soon-to-be eye-checking that will endow me with tools to look at the world cristalinamente. My home is standing, and on the rise. I must only trust myself.

The time to sell myself short is coming to a certain end. I always thought that self-realization would take a most-favoured shape, applauded by those whom I love, appreciate and admire, but I'm beginning to realize that though it is a process we all go through as human beings, I must walk through it and dig down its marvelous and terrifying depths alone. I can't help but remember the elder days where I was free from all the bullshit of the world, and in my heart I knew the greater truths of freedom and compassion and transcendence to be a reality - but truth is, I'm not there right now. Awareness comes and goes, though it is always there. I accept the place in which I am right now, and I'm open to the greater possibilities that are to come, activated by my power.

I also realize my briefness and broadness. It comes with the turning of the knob and the pushing of the door of my true Self. Vulnerability will come in due time.

Soreness for the Greatest Good

So, in the past few days I have embarked on a conscious Journey of transformation; sure, taking small steps at a time, but the mere fact that I'm choosing to make changes has made me feel empowered, excited, and hopeful:

I joined the gym (my physical assessment is today), have gone twice to the chiropractor, and since Tuesday I decided to become a pescatarian again (a vegetarian who eats fish). I feel renewed, though the road goes ever on and on, and there's so much yet left to do, but my first steps have been powerful and of great value. I know that these decisions will affect my body and Spirit positively, and once my Chi (life energy) goes through the roof, UH OOOH!!! WATCH OUT WORLD!!! A pinata of artistic expression, extraordinary actions and excellence will burst - the world around me will be showered with the confetti of my authentic self.

Oh, and on Saturday I'm adopting a dog. I am so excited I might poop my pants when I see him/her... I'll just wear my Depends.

In the Wake of Night

Tomorrow will be my day off; first one in about two weeks, so I'm quite freaking psyched about it. For those of you who don't know I work as a waitress at a wonderful place with amazing co-workers and more-often-than-not great customers who many a time kindle a light in my heart. It's crazy how I chose to work at a restaurant, I being one of the most awkward, over-thinking and up-and-down persons I know. I've been learning to embrace my awkwardness, knowing that I do the best I can at every given moment. Sometimes it's hard; sometimes I feel like walking out and curling up in a ball of self-blame and facepalms, but one thing that's become more evident than ever is that "this too shall pass" indeed, and if I'm resilient enough I will get to see the dawn and experience the gratitude of all things gifted and received, as light or dark as they were. I'm tired, off to relax I go.

The First Rant - Breaking the Ice

My first blog entry, WOOHOOOO!!! If I was to continue listening to my inner procrastinator, this would have never began - so I commend myself for placing my buttocks on this chair for a prolonged period of time, and acting beyond comfort in order to honor my higher Self. I'm compelled to acknowledge my dear friend Mike for supporting me unconditionally in my Journey, and ballyhoo-ing me to write this blog... thank you.

I feel like crying for all the things I don't understand, and for the ones I do, but don't manage to change. I know I tend to lose perspective. I know I can only do the best I can at any given moment. I also know the power to create the life I want is within me. I've been sitting among the thorns for too long, I've been dreading my imperfections too much, and most importantly, I haven't hula-hooped in way longer than I can handle.

I NEED CHANGE!!!

Here's a list of the things I want. Tomorrow I'll move on to the list of ways to achieve them:

- A new hula-hoop

- To meet and connect with swell people in my new town

- A DOG

- A DOG

- A DOG

- A DOG

- To cultivate my Spirit through meditation, Tai Chi, nature, etc.

- To beautify my room; Brian gave me a room in the house to do whatever the heck I wish - and I want to make it into the expression-creation-chill-ation room, but I haven't even began... talk about playing safe and being afraid of not making it "perfect"... yes, I hear what I'm saying with clarity - and I facepalm along with you

- To begin a strict (though gradual) exercise routine

- To eat healthier

- To send cards to my loved ones, expressing my innermost feelings for them

I have 86409568909468097 more things to add to this list, but for now I'll only list these. Gotta take it easy, and not let the sound of my own wheels make me crazy *wink wink*. I recognize my body and Spirit's calling for change, for a more challenging lifestyle, and I'm open and willing to make these modifications, one day, one minute at a time. Man, it can be so hard though... I've only had 2 days off this month and won't have another one until September arrives, and when I get home the couch potato spirit takes ahold of me and I'm done for. So much to do... *guttural sound*... I'll get it done.